Five Steps to Interpersonal Forgiveness and Restored Relationships

1.      Restoring the attitude of love. To love another is to see that person as full of worth and precious regardless of any wrongdoing. This is not forgiveness, although most writers and pastors call it such. It is not the prerequisite step. Forgiving cannot begin until love has been re-extended to the offender. Love is possible when we see the other's value once more, recognize his preciousness, and choose to be understanding, even of what is beyond being understood.

2.      Releasing the painful past. To accept another is to meet him or her now, as the person she really is. To hold the past between us as if it could be undone or to demand that what was done must be redone is fantasy, not reality. To come to terms with reality is to accept the past as past. Obviously, what has happened has happened, but emotionally it is still taking place. In anger we struggle with the illusion that we can turn time backwards and run it all through again, that we can make the other undo what he or she did. I am not my past; I am a person capable of repenting, changing, and turning away from past patterns of behavior. You are not your past; you are equally free to change if you accept the freedom that is within you. To affirm that freedom is the first step of forgiveness.

3.      Reconstructing the relationship. This is the real work of forgiveness. To review the pain of offense within each of us and between the both of us is not easy, but it is the way to healing. As we work through our anger and pain in reciprocal trusting and risking, at last we come to recognize the genuineness of each other's intentions. Our repentance needs to be authentic, honest, and as complete as possible at the moment. That is the central work of forgiveness. "If your brother wrongs you, reprove him; and if he repents, forgive him. Even if he wrongs you seven times in a day and comes back to you seven times saying, 'I am sorry,'you are to forgive him," says Jesus in His most succinct and clear description of essential forgiveness (Luke 17:3-4 MSG).

4.      Reopening the future. This is the consequence of transforming the memory from a wound that will not heal to a wound that has healing power within the soul. The relationship may return to a civil participation in community with mutual respect, or to a new level of friendship resulting from the depth of encounter that has taken place; or it may mean a return to or the beginning of profound trust and willingness to risk. In each case, the future is reopened to whatever level of relating is appropriate to the two participants. Not every relationship should be pursued. Not every forgiveness leads to a continuing conversation between the two. Not every healed injury will result in the resumption of the previous relationship. There is a time to say "Good-bye" and a time to say "Hello" and a time to say "May the Lord watch between us as we part from each other in mutual respect and friendly parting." But the future is open to possibilities we do not yet see.

Forgiveness, by definition, is the mutual recognition that repentance is genuine and that right relationships have either been restored or are now achieved. The ratio of repentance between two estranged persons is hard to define. But the two can find their way until both recognize that the overtures are genuine in intention. Perfection in performance is not a suitable criterion, Jesus insists. Even when a person fails repeatedly to hold true to his intentions and returns with recurrent requests-seven times in one day-we are to accept on the basis of sincere regret.

The demand for an ironclad guarantee that will fix all future acts permanently and securely and insure our safety from any future pain must be canceled. No one can offer such assurance and go on living as a truly human being. Such promises of perfection are possible only for saints or statues, and neither is desirable in a relationship. In the future we will be spontaneous together. We may fail. We may act hurtfully again. 

5.      Reaffirming the relationship. Reconciliation must end in celebration, or the process has not ended. We must touch each other as deeply as is possible in our release of the pain and then celebrate the mutual recognition that right relationship has now been restored or achieved. This bonding of renewed acceptance and mutual affirmation allows us to meet with a new meaning to our relationship. To end a reconciliation negatively—"May God help us that this never happens again"—blocks our growth as persons. It is fascinating that the words of mistrust and suspicion Jacob and Laban set between them—"May the Lord watch between you and me, when we are parted from each other's sight" (Genesis 31:49 MSG)—have been transformed in following generations into a benediction of love and a celebration of relationship.